letter to my fans

 Thank you and I'm sorry. Thank you for those supporting me and sorry not sorry to those I offended or make mad, sorry for those i've hurt in the process of becoming Issyamazing. This is me in raw form; emotions, actions, skills, spills, secrets, special moments to shy moments even sexy moments. Don't get it twisted or confused by thinking you know me or I owe you something, humble and kind is how I was raised, as my name states ISSYAMAZIN will amazin you, I amazin myself everyday good or bad. Stay away from me attitude, but come hold me broken heart describes me the best. The best is yet to come , better than I was , I do it for that ONE, 2%, my story I share to the world is not for the fame and money, I am here for the hearts and souls that don't know heart and soul. I am maybe good for something, so I am giving it my all. Giving it my all even through the hard emotions of sharing the real me, so you were warned. PARENTAL ADVISORY suggested, I am not for the little souls. Bad Bella says it itself, I am bad at times with bad habits at times, dark humor, sick thoughts , depressed more than I'd like to admit; so that is why I shared "Bad Bella" first, it is my song. LITERALLY, so with that and due to my respect I have to give credit where credit is due, it's not so I will just say THANK YOU AND I AM SORRY, thank you PAW , thank you for the memories, lessons and leaving me with the skills, ideas, confidence to complete the mission of making dreams come true. BNF - bread never fails. Sorry PAW for nothing, sorry you're the one some call Peter Pan or the one that gets left behind some say, sorry you are'nt apart. THANK YOU AND I AM SORRY. Welcome to my psycho beautiful hell on wheels inappropriate circus. ENJOY, stay a while you may learn a thing or more , maybe earn a thing or more; do or don't is based off you. NO UGLY ATTITUDES ALLOWED, WE DON'T HURT PRETTY GIRLS, KEEP BAD ENERGY OUT MY HOOD, BUT BRING THE GOOD (; 

my girl

Shelby Jae Steele

 Her smile could light up every room no matter the circumstances. Shelby, she is fragile, petite figure, tiny waste, tight pussy. I do not chose or usually enjoy eating pussy, BUT with Shelby i could make out with her cooch. Maybe because we are the same zodiac sign, it is said that saggitarius are great or crazy sex, sex addict. We are both beautiful and freaks in the sheets, the perfect couple. She was younger than me a few years, but she was more mature for her age and she was well educated in the sex department. She could impress me everyday and give me new reasons to love her even more, everyday. This physical or sexual attraction was more than 24/7 horny lifestyle. I always wanted to be touching her, kissing her, tasting her, and feeling chills on her skin while I would hold her hand. I was always taking pictures of her and with her, silly, serious, and sexy ones. I miss feeling her more than anything, at the funeral I put her bracelet on her and held her hand. That was a tough moment for me, I had no emotion though. I was sober, but I was dead inside. I didn't want to say goodbye to my forever girl forever. I was heart broken but mad, and I was scared. Seeing how happy my presence made her, or my smile make her smile, THAT that right there is what I loved. Seeing how giddy and nervous she always gets around me, then when we were intimate she wasn't nervous anymore. She was daddy position in other words, and can I say BOMBASSSEX from heaven on earth, plus the goldest iced heart that will ever love you. So having to say goodbye forever to someone you love, without any chance to keep your sunshine of happiness. I loved feeling good about taking care of her, protect her. I felt like I wasn't able to protect her because she died, I failed her . I felt I didn't do enough, I thought showing her the sunshine of happiness like she does me, I believed I helped her feel more happy to wake up the next day than most when she was with me. I know, or think that because she did for me. She made me feel safe, loved. Also loved feeling crazy with her or for her. I was and am so obsessed with her, beauty inside and out.

 I will stay obsessed with her till we meet again. I miss her everyday, some days are worse than ever. I have a collection of her things; blue pj pants, adore me panties, white dress, pink dress, red and black vans, her grey jacket and one of her books. I have been reading it ever since and i enjoy the series .... The other night one of her hairs fell out the pages. My eyes watered and i just held it, sat there.... Felt her. I am still waiting for her ashes to go in my ring, then i will really have her with me always. 

      

Daily battle

How do you keep living when you don’t even want to live as yourself anymore? What do you do when the person in the mirror isn’t you, isn’t someone you love ? Was never someone you loved ? And I’m supposed to just erase all my demons and be happy just like that. When I’ve had voices in my head since I was 9 telling me I’m not good enough and I never will be. I know I’m not alone but damnit, it sure does feel like it. The mind is a very powerful place and I wish I was a master at my own mind. Peter and my daughter make me love life. But me, by myself  nah I don’t want that. I rather be dead then alone in my own head going through life. Having someone show you what love really is and having someone to do life with, even if you may not handle shit right. But having someone to do life with makes it easier to get through the dark days. Yes, God is there. God is everywhere. Times it still feels like I’m so alone, even while praying. I just can’t seem to comprehend how messed up one persons mind can be , I never even knew ones mind could be so fucked up. This is all new to me. Learning myself and my mind. Searching. Learning what is wrong with me , don’t say there’s not when you couldn’t even last a day in the mind of a psycho bitch. You hear it all the time about people having multiple personalities, having mood swings , being depressed all the time. Well news flash that shit is true. I don’t like who I am so I already assume no one else well , I tend to hide the real me , which then I tend to lie and do things that aren’t me. Why? Because I’m not even okay with the person inside, so I try to be something I’m not. Come to find out, trying to be someone else will only kill who I really am. Maybe that’s what I want , to kill who I really am. What I need to do is kill who I was..... and kill the thoughts in my head of who I WAS.  I need to breathe life into the person I want to become. I’m tired of being tired of myself. I’m tired of questioning why me ? I’m tired of questioning what did I do to deserve this. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of making others suffer. I’m tired. I am just tired. I want to be someone else , without my shyness , without my lack of confidence, without my mood swings, without my depressed moods and someone without such a caring heart. Too caring at times. But reality is we can’t change who we were created to be, no matter how bad we may not want to be them. I know deep down I was made for more than my temporary feelings , even if they don’t feel temporary at times. It’s a tug of war everyday in my mind. And I try my hardest to believe the good , but it isn’t easy. No one said life was going to be easy, it’s up to you to make the best of the life you’re given.

Mind games

The mind is a powerful place. That is a powerful phrase. I grew up under the impression that happiness was a choice , and we could just chose to be happy and boom, we’re HAPPY. I grew up learning that happiness , in a sense, is an emotion. Truth is, America isn’t particularly happy in international terms. Did you know on average one death from suicide occurs every 40 seconds? There are 86,400 seconds in a day, making that 2,160 people dying every 40 seconds from suicide a day. That statistic is predicted by 2020 the rate of death will increase to one every 20 seconds. If that doesn’t make you stop and ponder , I’m not sure finishing my blog is a good idea. Life is precious and to think 2,000 + people a day die from suicide alone and one of those 2,000 could be someone we know. Although, not all those that committed suicided are results of mental illness, they do have a connection. Depression and mental health are one the main risk factors of suicide , other risk factors include substance abuse, family history of mental health or substance abuse disorder, prior attempt, in prison or jail, family violence, being exposed to other suicidal behavior , or having a fire arm in the house. I can’t feel directly from a perspective of losing a loved one to suicide , but I can feel from losing someone I knew mutually to suicide. That never ending question in your mind; what could I have done ? That is a question that will always have the same answer, nothing. Suicide is a self made decision, made with only ones self. The thought of me questioning what I could have done, have ran through my mind just as  the thoughts of me wanting out of the game of my own self have ran through my mind and causing me to think how my loved ones would question what they could have done to save me. The answer to the question from one whose wanted to take their own life, no one could have done anything. Suicide is selfish. We are just thinking of our own personal pain at the moment, not always are we thinking of the pain we will cause others by erasing our TEMPORARY pain. Key word, temporary. Meaning short lasting, not forever. I forget what temporary means when I’m going through the feeling of not being good enough, not loving myself, wanting to not be myself, and/or when negative and/or false opinions get stuck in my head like the top track on replay. Remember the mind is a powerful place, if you say you’re worthless to yourself  everyday regardless of it being thought of it said out loud, you will believe you are worthless. It isn’t rare to eventually begin transforming into our beliefs. If transforming into our beliefs seems logical, then why wouldn’t you want to make yourself believe you’re NOT worth less and make yourself believe how much you are loved by God. Sounds simple right ? Coming from one who suffers from mental illness and overcame self harm , I can’t find a better title then the mind is a powerful place.

Life is hard but it's worth it

Sometimes there are things in our lives that we can not control but if we put our trust in God we won't have to worry. I have had many hardships in my life but i have realized that the more I don't understand the reasons for the things happening in my life the more I know God. In the past few weeks something has happened in my life that I didn't understand but know that it is in God's hands. This summer I went to church camp and i t was all about being a rebel for Christ and standing up for God and telling more people about him. I felt that church camp has changed me and i decided that i wanted to be a rebel for Christ and be the best christian for God. Since church camp changed my life and i felt closer to God, I was speechless when I  got home and got the news that my dad and step mom were getting a divorce. i felt like going to church camp was a waist of time and I was mad a t God because I didn't understand why something like this would happen. My step mom and I were really close and she meant a lot to me and i thought that my dad her and me would be the closest thing to a "perfect" family. But now i know that my dad hasn't been happy and i want him to be happy. I have been praying and talking to me real close friends about it and they all say they were sorry but when i told my best friend (L.W.) she said she was sorry too but she also gave me a verse. James 1:2-3"consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." That really meant  a lot to me then just "I'm sorry." I am continuing to grow in my faith and trying to understand that this is a part of God's plan and i just have to step back and let God control my life.