Daily battle

How do you keep living when you don’t even want to live as yourself anymore? What do you do when the person in the mirror isn’t you, isn’t someone you love ? Was never someone you loved ? And I’m supposed to just erase all my demons and be happy just like that. When I’ve had voices in my head since I was 9 telling me I’m not good enough and I never will be. I know I’m not alone but damnit, it sure does feel like it. The mind is a very powerful place and I wish I was a master at my own mind. Peter and my daughter make me love life. But me, by myself  nah I don’t want that. I rather be dead then alone in my own head going through life. Having someone show you what love really is and having someone to do life with, even if you may not handle shit right. But having someone to do life with makes it easier to get through the dark days. Yes, God is there. God is everywhere. Times it still feels like I’m so alone, even while praying. I just can’t seem to comprehend how messed up one persons mind can be , I never even knew ones mind could be so fucked up. This is all new to me. Learning myself and my mind. Searching. Learning what is wrong with me , don’t say there’s not when you couldn’t even last a day in the mind of a psycho bitch. You hear it all the time about people having multiple personalities, having mood swings , being depressed all the time. Well news flash that shit is true. I don’t like who I am so I already assume no one else well , I tend to hide the real me , which then I tend to lie and do things that aren’t me. Why? Because I’m not even okay with the person inside, so I try to be something I’m not. Come to find out, trying to be someone else will only kill who I really am. Maybe that’s what I want , to kill who I really am. What I need to do is kill who I was..... and kill the thoughts in my head of who I WAS.  I need to breathe life into the person I want to become. I’m tired of being tired of myself. I’m tired of questioning why me ? I’m tired of questioning what did I do to deserve this. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of making others suffer. I’m tired. I am just tired. I want to be someone else , without my shyness , without my lack of confidence, without my mood swings, without my depressed moods and someone without such a caring heart. Too caring at times. But reality is we can’t change who we were created to be, no matter how bad we may not want to be them. I know deep down I was made for more than my temporary feelings , even if they don’t feel temporary at times. It’s a tug of war everyday in my mind. And I try my hardest to believe the good , but it isn’t easy. No one said life was going to be easy, it’s up to you to make the best of the life you’re given.