Daily battle

How do you keep living when you don’t even want to live as yourself anymore? What do you do when the person in the mirror isn’t you, isn’t someone you love ? Was never someone you loved ? And I’m supposed to just erase all my demons and be happy just like that. When I’ve had voices in my head since I was 9 telling me I’m not good enough and I never will be. I know I’m not alone but damnit, it sure does feel like it. The mind is a very powerful place and I wish I was a master at my own mind. Peter and my daughter make me love life. But me, by myself  nah I don’t want that. I rather be dead then alone in my own head going through life. Having someone show you what love really is and having someone to do life with, even if you may not handle shit right. But having someone to do life with makes it easier to get through the dark days. Yes, God is there. God is everywhere. Times it still feels like I’m so alone, even while praying. I just can’t seem to comprehend how messed up one persons mind can be , I never even knew ones mind could be so fucked up. This is all new to me. Learning myself and my mind. Searching. Learning what is wrong with me , don’t say there’s not when you couldn’t even last a day in the mind of a psycho bitch. You hear it all the time about people having multiple personalities, having mood swings , being depressed all the time. Well news flash that shit is true. I don’t like who I am so I already assume no one else well , I tend to hide the real me , which then I tend to lie and do things that aren’t me. Why? Because I’m not even okay with the person inside, so I try to be something I’m not. Come to find out, trying to be someone else will only kill who I really am. Maybe that’s what I want , to kill who I really am. What I need to do is kill who I was..... and kill the thoughts in my head of who I WAS.  I need to breathe life into the person I want to become. I’m tired of being tired of myself. I’m tired of questioning why me ? I’m tired of questioning what did I do to deserve this. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of making others suffer. I’m tired. I am just tired. I want to be someone else , without my shyness , without my lack of confidence, without my mood swings, without my depressed moods and someone without such a caring heart. Too caring at times. But reality is we can’t change who we were created to be, no matter how bad we may not want to be them. I know deep down I was made for more than my temporary feelings , even if they don’t feel temporary at times. It’s a tug of war everyday in my mind. And I try my hardest to believe the good , but it isn’t easy. No one said life was going to be easy, it’s up to you to make the best of the life you’re given.

Mind games

The mind is a powerful place. That is a powerful phrase. I grew up under the impression that happiness was a choice , and we could just chose to be happy and boom, we’re HAPPY. I grew up learning that happiness , in a sense, is an emotion. Truth is, America isn’t particularly happy in international terms. Did you know on average one death from suicide occurs every 40 seconds? There are 86,400 seconds in a day, making that 2,160 people dying every 40 seconds from suicide a day. That statistic is predicted by 2020 the rate of death will increase to one every 20 seconds. If that doesn’t make you stop and ponder , I’m not sure finishing my blog is a good idea. Life is precious and to think 2,000 + people a day die from suicide alone and one of those 2,000 could be someone we know. Although, not all those that committed suicided are results of mental illness, they do have a connection. Depression and mental health are one the main risk factors of suicide , other risk factors include substance abuse, family history of mental health or substance abuse disorder, prior attempt, in prison or jail, family violence, being exposed to other suicidal behavior , or having a fire arm in the house. I can’t feel directly from a perspective of losing a loved one to suicide , but I can feel from losing someone I knew mutually to suicide. That never ending question in your mind; what could I have done ? That is a question that will always have the same answer, nothing. Suicide is a self made decision, made with only ones self. The thought of me questioning what I could have done, have ran through my mind just as  the thoughts of me wanting out of the game of my own self have ran through my mind and causing me to think how my loved ones would question what they could have done to save me. The answer to the question from one whose wanted to take their own life, no one could have done anything. Suicide is selfish. We are just thinking of our own personal pain at the moment, not always are we thinking of the pain we will cause others by erasing our TEMPORARY pain. Key word, temporary. Meaning short lasting, not forever. I forget what temporary means when I’m going through the feeling of not being good enough, not loving myself, wanting to not be myself, and/or when negative and/or false opinions get stuck in my head like the top track on replay. Remember the mind is a powerful place, if you say you’re worthless to yourself  everyday regardless of it being thought of it said out loud, you will believe you are worthless. It isn’t rare to eventually begin transforming into our beliefs. If transforming into our beliefs seems logical, then why wouldn’t you want to make yourself believe you’re NOT worth less and make yourself believe how much you are loved by God. Sounds simple right ? Coming from one who suffers from mental illness and overcame self harm , I can’t find a better title then the mind is a powerful place.